How the Hell Do We Survive This Back-to-School Transition?

Welcome to Ask Dr. Harvey Karp, our fatherhood advice column at Esquire, where the author of The Happiest Baby on the Block and creator of the SNOO answers your burning questions about parenting. Got a query? Drop us a line in the comments.

For a kid, starting a new school may feel a little like moving to a new planet. The air smells different, the natives have their own language, and the customs are…mysterious. Even for confident kids, transitions can stir up a tangle of excitement, nerves, and “please-don’t-make-me” resistance.

And for parents? Well, watching your little one wobble into the unknown can stir up some jitters of your own. Will they make friends? Will they eat lunch? Will they make it to the bathroom?

Change is tricky for everyone. Our brains are wired to love routines. They help us feel safe. Starting school—whether it’s a whole new school or just a new grade—messes with that familiar rhythm. Young kids may not be able to say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed,” but you’ll probably pick up on their feelings through their behavior: clinginess, crankiness, sleep regressions, or even potty training setbacks. None of that means they can’t cut it at school, but they’re feeling a bit stressed, are looking to you to help them find calm.

One of the best antidotes to first-day anxiety? Rehearsal. Take a “field trip” to the school: play on the playground, walk the halls and meet the teacher in advance, if possible. All of this helps take some of the scariness out of the unknown. It’s a good idea to also practice your morning routines and tweak as needed before you’re racing to get out the door on the first day of school.

Kids often tune out our long explanations and lectures, or messages delivered to the “front door” of their mind, but they tend to key into “side door” messages that are delivered more subtly—things they see us do, overhear—or play.

Role play is a really smart way to send those side-door messages and prep your child for the new rules, rhythms, and routines of the school year. For example, take turns pretending to be the teacher and the student. Go through morning hellos, snack time, asking to go potty, cleanup, and goodbye. This helps turn mystery into muscle memory.

Kids love knowing what’s coming next. Start talking about the start of school several days before, using a visual calendar. Let them mark off the days with their favorite color. Giving them a heads up will not only ensure they aren’t blindsided by the start of school, but it also gives you a chance to build some excitement.

When the outside world is changing, home needs to feel extra predictable. Keep bedtimes consistent, offer the same beloved breakfast, and stick with your little family rituals. This anchoring reassures your child that some things never change, no matter what.

At school, your child might have to share attention with 20 other kids. At home, a little bit of undivided focus can refill their emotional tank. The beginning of the school year can be a whirlwind, but try to make time for 10 minute episodes of special time every day with each kid.

Special time could be snuggling up with a story, building block towers, drawing a picture, having a tea party, or anything in between—let your child choose! Have a clear start and end time to special time, and be ready to give your full attention (that means putting your phone away).

There’s a lot that probably feels out of your kid’s control. They have to go to school whether they like it or not, and stick to someone else’s rules and schedules. Letting them make choices helps them feel smart and in command. It tells them you trust them to make good decisions. Just don’t give them too many options! Give them the choice between two things that you’re also on board with: Do you want to wear your pink shoes or purple shoes? Do you want a pear or grapes for your snack? Do you want to bring your teddy or your soccer ball for show-and-tell?

At drop-off, it may be tempting to sneak out when your child is distracted or to prolong the goodbye until you’re both wrung out. But kids do best when goodbyes are short, sweet, and confident. A quick hug, a cheerful “See you after story time!” and off you go. Your calm signals to them: You’ve got this.

If you think your child will have trouble being on his own or experience separation anxiety, give them a little soft toy, give it a kiss, and tell them to keep it protected in their pocket. They can touch it whenever they feel lonely, and when they do that they will remember your kiss and feel you with them. And, if they cry, remember, most kids rally within minutes once you’re gone. Teachers are seasoned pros at helping kids find their footing. And yes, you may cry in the car, but try to save it until the door is closed.

Kids are emotional sponges. If you meet this transition with optimism—“You’re going to meet so many fun kids!”—they’re more likely to soak up that confidence. Share little stories of times you were nervous about something new and how it turned out okay. Bonus points if you can make them funny.

Change is life. Today it’s a new school year. Tomorrow it’s their driver’s license. Then college. But with every step, your child is building resilience, which will serve them for many, many years to come.