Workers are saying 'no' to toxic environments. Here's how to set limits or know it's time to leave

NEW YORK -- One week into a new job, Lisa Grouette discovered something missing come Sunday night: the sinking feeling of dread she used to experience before going to work every Monday.

Groutte spent 10 years at an insurance agency with a boss whom she alleges screamed at her, slammed his hands on the desk, insulted her appearance and punched things. He falsely accused her of taking money and threatened to withhold an employment recommendation if she quit, she says.

Fearing she wouldn’t land another job if she left the toxic workplace, she stayed. “It was this implied, ‘You’re stuck,'" Grouette, 48, recalled.

But eventually, she found a way out. When a full-time job opened up at a newspaper where she worked a part-time photography job, she resigned from the insurance agency. The new position paid $400 less per month, but Grouette reduced her expenses to make it work.

“You can't put a price tag on it,” she said. "It was the best 400 bucks a month I've ever spent, worth every penny. I was a little tight at first, but it didn't matter because I was happy.”

As mental health awareness increases, so are conversations about about what constitutes unhealthy behavior and the kinds of treatment people will not — or should not — tolerate for a steady paycheck.

“We’re developing language now around things like toxic workplaces,” said Jennifer Tosti-Kharas, a professor of organizational behavior at Babson College in Massachusetts.

Younger generations entering the workforce, including millennials and members of Generation Z, are less willing to endure bullying behavior from colleagues and managers, and better at establishing boundaries, she said.

At the start of her own career, “if I encountered toxicity in the workplace, I had more of a ‘Suck it up’ attitude," said Tosti-Kharas, who identifies as a member of Generation X. “I don’t think we were as vocal about taking care of our mental health as we should have been.”

Conflicts and difficult relationships may be inevitable in any work environment. But there's a difference between an occasional disagreement and persistent abuse.

“What makes something toxic: it’s more pervasive, more consistent over time,” Tosti-Kharas said. “You may have tried some things and it’s not getting better. ... It’s very deeply entrenched.”

Possible indications of an emotionally harmful workplace include a widespread lack of trust and fear of being shot down if you speak up, she said.

Loud screamers aren't the only kind of toxic co-workers and supervisors. There are quieter forms of toxicity, such as passive-aggressive behavior by leaders who use sarcasm, backhanded compliments, indirect criticism and exclusion to control their employees, according to Alana Atchison, a clinical psychologist based in Chicago.

“It is a relationship where you can’t communicate clearly or directly, so you have to silence yourself. You can’t say truly what you need to say and feel safe,” Atchison said.

To spot a potentially toxic environment when applying for a new job, follow your gut instincts and consider warning signs. For example, frequent ads for the same position may reflect high turnover resulting from a negative environment. You can also search employee reviews online.

“I’m reading Glassdoor reviews like crazy to see what the environment is like, what the culture is like, on anyplace I’m applying to, because I can’t lose my hair again over a job,” said Grouette, who recently was laid off after several successful years at the newspaper.

When on the receiving end of toxicity, consider whether the offending behavior says more about the person perpetuating it than the recipient.

“It’s almost like a smokescreen to hide their deficits,” Atchison said. “If someone feels insecure about their role or fears being overshadowed, they might resort to undermining others, gossiping or sabotaging projects to regain a sense of control or safety.”

Since the COVID-19 pandemic, Atchison's clients have increasingly complained about toxic work environments. She attributes that in part to the social isolation that accompanied lockdowns and restrictions on public activities.

“Socializing is a skill set, and that skill set has declined," she said.

If you find yourself in a toxic work situation, talking about it with a trusted friend or professional therapist can help you process what is happening and develop a plan to deal with it, instead of letting it fester in your mind.

Stephanie Strausser, 42, a video production manager, said she sought support from friends and family members when she worked under an extreme micromanager who made her feel unsafe and whose decisions she considered unethical.

“Don’t hide it or keep it in. Talk to people. Even if you’re talking to ChatGPT," Strausser advises those who find themselves in similar circumstances. "Don’t internalize it. And don’t take someone’s perception as fact.”

Amanda Szmuc, a Philadelphia lawyer who considers some of her past work environments to have been toxic, recommends documenting your concerns in case it becomes necessary to escalate them.

Writing down the details of troubling interactions as they happen and keeping copies of inappropriate messages or approved meeting recordings may come in handy if the human resources department gets involved, for example.

Maintaining a record may also help you avoid gaslighting and reinforce your determination to protect yourself.

If leaving a toxic environment isn't financially possible or you want to try to make your circumstances more bearable, think about exploring ways to limit your interaction with the difficult party may be an option.

Possibilities may include negotiating a role that puts distance between you and the toxic person, such as working different shifts or on different projects, Tosti-Kharas said.

You can also set deadlines for yourself to keep things from deteriorating, according to Szmuc. Examples: “I’m going to give this two weeks. Is there any improvement?” she said. “Is there a way internally where I can maybe change my circumstances or get someone else’s opinion?”

Ideally, an employee who feels mistreated could appeal to someone from human resources or the offending employee's manager with evidence to show a pattern of conduct violations and disciplinary action would be taken, Tosti-Kharas said.

But that doesn't always happen, leaving the reporting party in close proximity with the person they reported. “In the real world, you may realize they are unlikely to go anywhere, and it’s you who has to go somewhere,” Tosti-Kharas said.

In extreme situations, it's best to look for another job, she said.

If an inspector found radon in your house, “you wouldn't say, ‘Let me try to work with the radon,’ or ‘How can I keep it there but maybe lessen the effects?’” she said. “You would get the toxin out of the situation or you would get yourself out of the situation.”

Most people can't afford to leave their jobs without another one lined up. Carving out time to apply for different jobs is difficult when you feel under assault but also is empowering and may lead to a better situation.

“If somebody gives you an impression that you’re not able to leave this job, that’s just not true,” Grouette said. “Those sorts of people don’t have the reach or respect that they claim to have, because if they’re volatile to you, they’re volatile to others.”

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