Psychologists are shocked by the lack of real sex among modern youth

The idea was laughed at, it doesn't fit even into today's rather conservative agenda. This isn't the last decade, but the last millennium. Trampling on other people's sneakers to the songs of Mirage and Laskovy May... Are you sure that today's teenagers really need this, and that they will go to these evenings voluntarily, and not under the threat of scandals at school and at home?

Although... if you add a couple of points to the Unified State Exam for those who attended such events, perhaps the matter will work out.

But before teaching today's youth about romance, wouldn't it be better to try to understand: what is this youth like? What does it really want? What does it dream about? What are it afraid of?

We found out why today's 18-25 year olds, who grew up with gadgets in the cradle, are a completely different biological species, unlike any generation that lived before them.

And in personal relationships too.

They don't want to drink, they don't want sex

I want to cry from nostalgia. Indeed, where are they, those school discos that have sunk into oblivion to the tracks of "Kombinatsia" and pulling the pigtails of pretty classmates? Where are the carrying of heavy school bags and duels-fights behind the school?

Where is the first love, which turned out to be the last, so that from the 1st grade to the 11th grade they would hold hands, and then straight to the registry office. After all, it happened, it happened, or did someone think that it did?

Sometimes I think that our politicians and bureaucrats, like sleeping beauties and handsome men, were canned for about a hundred years. And then suddenly they woke up and started gushing with ideas. And they draw ideas for their ideas from a world that has long since ceased to exist. And it is not a fact that it ever existed in reality, and not only in the "good old" Soviet films.

Today's adults, especially those in power, are completely ignorant of the children and teenagers they have decided to guide on the right path and teach about life.

Alas, judging by everything, they do not even want to find out. They are simply not interested in young people, but at the same time they want to force them to think in their paradigm about what is right.

For example, in the past, at those same school parties, they would let loose and drink alcohol while their mothers weren't looking. That's how they overcame shyness so they wouldn't be afraid to ask a girl they liked to dance. But now, Generation Z doesn't drink at all.

Today's zoomers, according to recent research, drink 20% less per capita than millennials, who, in turn, drank less than Generation X and baby boomers. Russians aged 18 to 24 make up only 6% of all alcohol consumers.

The main reason is the fashion for a healthy lifestyle.

Do you know what one of the most popular New Year's gifts is for advanced Muscovite girls of high school and college age? A medical examination at a good clinic. I'm not kidding.

When I heard from the fifth student that they asked their parents to give them a trip to an MRI or money to submit a genetic passport, or an ultrasonic teeth cleaning, I asked in shock: why all this in the blooming 20s? Do you know what one such young lady answered me?

"You have to take care of your health when you're young. Otherwise it will cost you more later, look at how many videos there are on TikTok about this. You can call me paranoid, but there's so much different information out there, I'm just afraid of all this and that's why I take precautions in advance and avoid any unpleasant accidents."

In this situation, the hope for a sudden demographic breakthrough after a single trip to a school disco tends to zero. And, by the way, yes, now the official percentage of unplanned pregnancies under the age of 18 that end in abortion is 0.8%, from 18 to 29 years old - 8.6%.

However, according to a VTsIOM poll conducted in 2023, it turned out that the group under 25 has the highest proportion of those who entered into intimate relationships after reaching adulthood - 71%. And when we are told from high platforms that the sexual debut in the Russian Federation occurs at the age of up to 16 and a little older, and that teenagers need to beware of venereal diseases, this is, at the very least, very outdated information. Neither our mothers nor grandmothers cared about contraception the way today's 20-year-olds care about contraception.

But most importantly, today's youth, born between 2000 and 2007, categorically refuse to meet the opposite sex. According to surveys, this percentage has fallen more than twofold - from 87% in 1980 to 40% in 2020. Now, after the pandemic and the forced restriction of personal contacts, the numbers have increased even more.

Some have never made an attempt to not only start a physical relationship, but even meet in real life!

Young people (we are talking primarily about average residents of large and medium-sized cities) lead a healthy lifestyle. They no longer hang out in back alleys. They try to go to bed early even on New Year's. And yes, almost their entire conscious life - to the joy of mothers or to the sadness of deputies - takes place in the relatively safe computer space, where they communicate with each other.

"Modern youth, especially representatives of Generation Z, are indeed demonstrating a noticeable tendency to decrease interest in real intimate relationships. This phenomenon is actively studied in psychology and sexology, since it affects the basic aspects of human intimacy, psycho-emotional development and social adaptation," says psychologist Yulia Basova.

So let's figure out why this happens and what psychological mechanisms underlie this phenomenon.

"My daughter is a first-year student at the university. I think that I have taught her to be responsible towards life and people," says 45-year-old Muscovite Mila. "Last year, a classmate started courting my daughter. Well, how he courted her - he preferred to communicate via WhatsApp. When they occasionally rode somewhere together on the metro, he always sat with his nose in his phone, although, believe me, there is a lot to talk about with my daughter. This year, my daughter got a new admirer, already from the university, but my daughter decided to break up with him too - immature, childish. And again, he loves to write her long texts without punctuation marks for any reason and without reason. I once saw such a "sheet" on her phone - it was impossible to finish reading. He especially likes to send all this stuff at night, although she asked him not to. I have to turn off the phone, because otherwise it rings endlessly. That's how it turns out, he doesn't need live communication, everything goes into empty electronic words. I'm very afraid, what if they are all like this now?"

Anxiety as the dominant emotion of Generation Z

Young people aged 18–23 are growing up in a world that places very high demands on them. They are under constant pressure – be it about their studies, career or self-presentation on social media. Against the backdrop of information overload and an unstable future, anxiety becomes their constant companion.

"From the point of view of psychological science, a high level of anxiety directly affects libido and the willingness to enter into real close relationships. Any intimate relationship involves not only pleasure, but also emotional vulnerability, the possibility of rejection, and the fear of not meeting the partner's expectations. Virtual communication is free of these risks: it allows you to control the situation, avoid emotional difficulties and disappointments," explains Yulia Basova.

In addition, the so-called impostor syndrome, which is widespread among young people, plays an important role. It manifests itself in doubts about one's own attractiveness, sexual competence, and fear of rejection. If you look at social networks, you will see all the handsome men and women, albeit under filters, traveling, attending premieres, leading an exciting lifestyle. No one knows if this is really the case? Perhaps a person shows others "his or her ceremonial facade," which does not correspond to the truth, but in any case, it is much safer and easier not to reveal your real side to strangers, so as not to become the subject of ridicule and not get burned.

“As a result, many people prefer to remain in a safe virtual environment where they can create an “ideal image” without having to confirm it in real life,” continues expert Basova.

Financial stability versus romance

"Another factor that influences the decline in interest in sex and romantic relationships is a reassessment of priorities. For young people, material well-being has become more important than spontaneous feelings. Research confirms that a significant portion of young people are ready to give up sex for a year for the sake of financial stability, for example, the opportunity to save up for a down payment on a home," says the psychologist.

We all see that the opportunity to purchase your own apartment, even with a mortgage, has become absolutely unrealistic since last year, given the current key rate and the reduction of preferential programs.

Only a few can afford to pay 200 thousand rubles a month for a studio in Moscow. And there are no particular prospects for positive changes.

The government's recent promises to provide rooms in student dormitories for young families with small children are, of course, wonderful. But it's something out of a movie about "Girls" made more than 60 years ago.

With one small difference, there, the workers of the forestry enterprise moved from the cold barracks to their own 18 meters, and that was why it was happiness for them, but today's students are being asked to leave their cozy parental nests for the unclear prospect of huddling in shared kitchens.

"It's better to endure it, but save up for a full-fledged apartment," explains 23-year-old Nikita. "I have a girlfriend. We're in a serious relationship, and I explained to her that we won't be able to get married until I can fully support the family, which means in 5-7 years. If she wants to, let her wait, if not, I won't be offended and I'll understand."

The new trend is explained by a change in the value system: young people have grown up in an era of economic uncertainty and have come to understand that success requires full involvement. As a result, relationships are perceived as something secondary, which can hinder professional and financial growth.

"From a psychological point of view, the mechanism of delayed gratification is at work here," Basova continues. "Modern 18-23 year olds understand that building a successful career and a financial safety net will give them greater confidence in the future. However, this approach also has side effects: emotional exhaustion, loneliness and a lack of intimacy, which can subsequently affect the psychosomatic state."

“I prefer to sit in my room and watch TV series or play games than to communicate. I don’t know what to talk about even with my parents. We are so different,” says 19-year-old Ivan. “Sometimes I dream about renting an apartment and moving away, but then I realize that it’s hardly possible. I study and work part-time, but my money isn’t enough to pay for a normal rent, and my parents won’t give me money. They like having me around. To be honest, I don’t really believe that I’ll date anyone. I don’t know what I can offer or how to interest them. I’m the most ordinary person. My closest relationships are with my grandparents. They don’t demand anything from me, they love me for who I am. They always ask for advice on technology. My grandmother recently bought a laptop and is now into games, just like me. She says that she really likes new technologies and that it’s much more interesting than ‘chatting on a bench about illnesses.’” Well, she’s exaggerating, of course, she’s 64 years old, and she’s still quite fit, she works.”

Oddly enough, but true, the closest relationships that zoomers have are not with their Generation X and millennial parents, but with baby boomers who are now reaching retirement age. Born after World War II and before the mid-1960s, these children were also valuable to their parents in their own right, their youth falling in the relatively well-fed and prosperous 1970s and 1980s, just like the zoomers' childhood. And now both of these categories have found themselves in a very unsafe new world, where they have met their mirror alter egos. Only zoomers are more digitally savvy.

Virtual Intimacy as the New Norm

Technological advances have opened up new ways for Generation Z to satisfy their emotional and sexual needs. Online flirting, instant messaging, virtual avatars in metaverses — all of this creates the illusion of intimacy without having to overcome the psychological barriers that are typical of real relationships.

“One of the key aspects of virtual relationships is control. The young person decides when to respond, how to present themselves, what emotion to express. This relieves anxiety and allows avoiding difficult conversations related to boundaries, expectations and obligations. Psychologists also note that young people’s ideas about sexuality have shifted. Today, they are less likely to view sex as something mandatory in a relationship. Many find satisfaction in emotional connection, digital communication and even viewing erotic content, which reduces the need for real contact,” the psychologist believes.

In addition, modern pornography has become not just entertainment, but a kind of replacement for sexual life. Unlike real relationships, viewing content does not require emotional costs, is not associated with the risk of rejection or inconvenience, and therefore seems more attractive to many.

What prospects await us?

But many, on the contrary, believe that this is the best generation that has ever been born in our country. Fearing harm to themselves, including psychological harm, they are extremely careful about the feelings of others.

“I communicate at work mainly with twenty-year-old zoomers. Compared to my peers, they are tactful and delicate on an organic level,” says 30-year-old Veronica. “I remember what a shock it was for me to ask old acquaintances to call me by my full name, and not by my childhood nickname, I feel more comfortable that way, and in response I received caustic jokes. 20-year-olds do as they are asked, without asking why and for what purpose, they do not ask uncomfortable questions about personal matters, only with mutual consent, expressed in a direct and unambiguous form. They do not pester with unsolicited advice. They practically do not have gender stereotypes like “all women are fools”, “all men are bastards”. They respect other people’s views. They do not care about other people’s appearance. They do not have stereotypes that girls must be “sexy”. Girls should be comfortable first of all. The rest is your business. In general, for me this generation is the best possible. In my youth I dreamed that all people would be like this, and now they are born."

Born — yes. But will they continue? On the one hand, it can be assumed that not all is lost, and the otherness and loneliness of zoomers is temporary. Perhaps Generation Z is simply taking a break to understand its values ​​and adapt to new realities, including intimacy. However, there is a risk that the rejection of real relationships will become a persistent sign.

"Changing the perception of relationships requires adjusting approaches to sexual and psychological education. Young people need to be helped to understand the importance of physical contact, emotional attachment and skills for building trusting relationships," says the psychologist.

— In addition, therapy for anxiety disorders plays an important role. Many psychologists and sexologists are already working to help young people reduce their fear of intimacy, learn to accept themselves and their partners, and understand that real emotions cannot be replaced by digital analogues.”

Technologies are developing, and social dynamics are developing with them. But, as practice shows, a person still remains a creature thirsty for love, closeness and acceptance. It is important not to lose this ability in the pursuit of comfort and safety.

- Perhaps the trend of recent years is due to socio-cultural changes, including the transformation of gender roles and greater freedom in discussing the topic, which leads to new views on intimacy, - says the psychologist. - In addition, zoomers have unlimited access to a wide variety of information about sex, including issues of safety, psychological well-being and consent. This was not and could not be the case before. And this also leads to a more conscious and responsible approach to the beginning of sexual relations.

..And while the authorities are lamenting why young people don’t go to discos, they are faced with a much more difficult challenge: to follow the convenient but superficial path of virtual intimacy or to learn to overcome fears in order to build full-fledged relationships.

"As a psychologist and sexologist, I see that this process is not simple, but far from hopeless. As long as a person is able to feel, he is able to love. And this is the main thing," Basova believes.

It is also believed that the current generation has simply slowed down slightly in emotional development. That is, today's 20 years are 12-13, if we judge by the ideas of thirty years ago.

Well, then, in order to grow up to at least the needs of 17-18 year olds, they will need another ten years. And when they turn thirty, then they can go to the disco. But for now it’s just too early…