What you shouldn't say to someone with cancer

Newly diagnosed cancer patients often report a range of intense feelings, the most common being shock, fear, anxiety, and uncertainty. According to Cristiane Bergerot, psycho-oncologist and leader of the Multidisciplinary Team at Oncoclínicas&Co, "shock occurs because the diagnosis often comes unexpectedly. Fear is related to both the disease itself and the treatment and its potential side effects. Anxiety stems from uncertainty about the prognosis, therapeutic options, and changes in daily life."

Additionally, feelings of sadness and, in some cases, guilt or anger may also arise, depending on the patient's individual circumstances. "It's essential to offer psychosocial support at this time, helping the patient process these emotions and find strategies to cope with the impact of the diagnosis," she adds.

Close family members of a newly diagnosed cancer patient also experience a rollercoaster of emotions. Among the most common feelings are fear, worry, and helplessness. Fear can be related to both the possibility of loss and the uncertainties of treatment. Concern, as Bergerot explains, involves practical issues, such as adapting to routine and providing the patient with necessary support. And the feeling of helplessness arises from not knowing exactly how to help.

"Many family members report feelings of guilt for not noticing symptoms sooner or for not being able to dedicate more time to the patient," says the specialist. Stress and emotional overload are also common, especially among primary caregivers. "Therefore, it's essential to include the family in psychosocial support, offering support and guidance so they can better cope with this journey," adds Cristiane Bergerot, a psycho-oncologist at Oncoclínicas&Co.

Know what to say to someone with cancer – and what is best left unsaid.

Many patients report discomfort with certain phrases said by friends, family, or colleagues, even when the intention is positive. Expressions like "don't cry," "be strong," or "everything will be okay" can unintentionally minimize the patient's feelings and make them feel like they need to suppress their emotions. Other common reports include comparisons with other people's cases, unsolicited suggestions about alternative treatments, or comments like "you don't look sick."

According to the psycho-oncologist, these statements can generate frustration, isolation, or even guilt in the patient, who may feel like they have no space to express their fears and anxieties. "Ideally, support should be based on empathetic listening, respecting the patient's situation without the need for ready-made answers or immediate solutions," she recommends. Below, the specialist offers tips for supporting the patient, whether you're a family member or friend, at this vulnerable time.

1. “Everything will be okay!”

While this is an optimistic statement, it can feel disempowering, as no one can guarantee the outcome of treatment. The patient may feel their concerns are not being taken seriously. Instead, try "I'm here for you, no matter what," a statement that reinforces support without minimizing uncertainty.

2. “Be strong!” or “Don’t cry!”

It implies that expressing emotions is a sign of weakness, when in fact, it's a natural and necessary process for coping with diagnosis, treatment, and prognosis. Instead, it's better to say something like, "If you want to talk or vent, I'm here to listen," an approach that validates the person's feelings.

3. “I know someone who had cancer and…” (follows a tragic story or a very specific case)

Comparisons can generate unnecessary anxiety, especially if the outcome isn't positive or if the other person's situation isn't relevant to the case. How about asking directly about the patient's experience: "How are you feeling today?"

4. “You don’t look sick!”

It may be well-intentioned, but it disregards invisible symptoms such as fatigue, pain, and emotional distress.

5. “You have to be positive!”

While positive thinking can help, this phrase can pressure the patient to hide their fears and worries. Instead, say, "It's normal to feel fear and insecurity. You're not alone."

6. “Have you tried… [alternative treatment]?”

Unsolicited suggestions, especially for treatments without scientific evidence, can confuse and overwhelm the patient. Instead, say something like, "If you'd like to talk about your treatment or options, I'm happy to listen," as this approach respects the patient's autonomy.

7. “Everything happens for a reason.”

It can sound insensitive, as it suggests that the illness is part of a "plan" and invalidates the patient's suffering. The phrase "This must be very difficult for you. If you need support, I'm here" can be empathetic to the patient's pain.

8. “If you need anything, let me know.”

Cancer patients often need practical support but may be hesitant to ask for it. So offer support openly.