Psychologist explains why you sometimes get stressed on vacation (or get sick)

Photo: Unsplash

Sun, sea, and… divorce papers? While vacations are meant to be relaxing, the reality often proves to be much more difficult. An irritation can quickly escalate into a heated argument. Metro speaks with a developmental psychologist and a systems therapist about holiday stress.

"A vacation is both relaxing and demanding," says developmental psychologist and systems therapist Steven Pont. He believes the high expectations, the intense time spent together, and the lack of distractions create the perfect cocktail for tension.

It all starts with the preparations, which can be quite stressful . Where are you going? What are you going to do? And how will all the clothes and belongings fit into that suitcase? And that's just the practical preparations. You also have to properly complete and hand over your work. It's no wonder the number of burnouts is increasing .

High expectations also play a role. "The romantic idea that vacation is only fun and relaxing is wrong," says Pont. "You're together 24/7, without the usual escape routes of work, sports, or social obligations. Your relationship is under intense scrutiny." It's no wonder he sees that divorce filings often increase after the summer holidays. "After three weeks, you think: 'Harry just isn't for you.'"

Holidays disrupt our normal routines, and that's not always easy. Where you normally have time for yourself—on your way to work, while exercising, or simply through physical distancing—you're suddenly constantly on top of each other. "Especially within families, you see small cracks grow into full-blown rifts," says Pont. Parents and children clash more easily, partners become irritated, and stress can flare up at the most unexpected moments. For example, a conflict at the breakfast table."

Moreover, expectations for a vacation are often sky-high. "We think: everything has to be perfect. The hotel, the weather, the atmosphere. But ask someone about their vacation, and they'll tell you about the dirty apartment, the heat, or how they spent half the day looking for something to cool off."

Pont describes vacation as a "hotbed of desires and emotions." "Everything that normally fades away in everyday life suddenly surfaces." Arguments often don't arise out of nowhere, because there's no longer any room to escape from each other. Even among friends, this can escalate into a fight, especially if alcohol is involved.

A well-known saying goes: if you want to know if you're compatible, go on a three-week trip together. It's a joke with a grain of truth in it. "Vacation magnifies differences. One person wants to browse the market, the other wants to stay at the campsite. If you insist on doing everything together, it becomes a power struggle: who wins this afternoon?"

According to Pont, the key word is space. Literally and figuratively. "Give each other freedom on vacation, just like at home. One person goes swimming, the other reads a book. You don't have to eat every meal together or plan every outing synchronously."

This applies to vacations with your partner, but also to trips with friends or family. Practical agreements can also help. "Agree that you'll take turns cooking. Or that the children are responsible for dinner part of the week. That gives you some breathing room."

A surprising number of people get sick as soon as they're on vacation. It's not surprising, says Pont. "We used to think that the body and mind functioned independently, but we've changed our minds. When you relax, there's also room for signals you normally suppress. Symptoms that were already dormant suddenly surface."

In short: vacation isn't just a time for relaxation, but also a time for confrontation: with yourself, with others, and with your expectations. Adjust your expectations, give each other space. Only then can you truly enjoy your vacation to the fullest.

You'd love to make the most of your vacation and come home as relaxed as possible. What's the best way to do that?