This is what you should do if someone stops talking to you after an argument.

In the case of someone who stops talking when angry, a fairly common reaction, we won't always find a single, unquestionable reason. This behavior can have different roots: personal history, attachment style, lack of emotional resources , need for protection or control, among others. But what may be most useful to explore is: Why are they keeping silent? What are they trying to regulate, avoid, or achieve by doing so?

So, although it may seem like a peaceful way to handle conflict , as there's no direct escalation, this behavior can have significant and very painful emotional effects , as therapist Paula Sastre, a psychologist at Somos Estupendas, explains. Once we're immersed in this situation... How should we react to the person who has stopped talking to us?

Causes and consequences of 'punishing' silence after an argument

Behind the common behavior of not talking to the other person, there can be as many causes as there are people, according to the expert. However, the most common are: "Difficulties in emotional regulation; which occur when the person doesn't know how to manage their anger or sadness , so they opt for silence. There's also a low tolerance for frustration : they don't have the necessary tools to deal with discomfort, so distancing themselves cools that emotion," says Sastre.

Another possibility is that people who grew up with the message that "it's not safe to express what I feel" react this way, and who protect themselves from conflict by withdrawing from the scene. And there are also certain patterns learned in childhood: "If conflict at home was resolved with prolonged silences, this pattern is likely to be repeated." On other occasions, "silence functions as a form of punishment or manipulation, generating guilt or insecurity in the other person."

The consequences of this awkward silence include a erosion of mutual trust ; anxiety and confusion ; feelings of guilt; and a reduced chance of resolving the problem.

What can we do if we are 'victims' of this punishing silence?

As psychologist Paula Sastre explains, "If you're the one on the other side of the silence, the first thing to do is realize that this behavior says more about the other person than it does about you. You're not obligated to fill the void or engage in emotional juggling to get attention, but there are certain behaviors that may be within your control."

To learn how to handle this uncomfortable situation (the one where the "other" doesn't speak to you), the expert shares some recommendations. The first is to " take a deep breath ; analyze the situation objectively, identifying whether your behavior was correct. If not, we must accept it and assume our share of responsibility . If we have behaved empathetically, it will be time to listen and give the other person space if they allow it."

Another tip from the expert: "Set clear boundaries. You can express that you're willing to talk when the other person feels ready, but that you won't accept silence as a form of punishment , at least not for a prolonged or unscheduled time. Opt for assertive communication and active listening: Communicate your needs without judgment, and listen without expecting the other person to have the best response."

Assertive communication and active listening to neutralize 'punishment'

Another strategy that will work well is to "not get caught up in the chase game: try to respect their space and their needs. Avoid justifying yourself or apologizing for no reason, as this could reinforce the dynamic."

But this tip is also important: "Observe if it's a repeated pattern. If it happens frequently, assess whether this relationship is emotionally healthy and sustainable for you. Focus on yourself: take care of your emotions, seek support if you need it, and don't neglect your self-esteem because of the other person's behavior."

And what happens if you're the one who keeps quiet after an argument?

Silence isn't negative in itself. It can be a useful tool if used consciously to calm down or avoid harm. The key is to communicate that need: "I'm really angry and need some quiet time to think. We'll talk later."

When silence becomes avoidance, punishment, or manipulation, "it's important to ask yourself: What am I avoiding with this silence? What would I like to say that I don't know how to express? What have I learned about anger and communication from my story? Working with a professional can help you find more functional ways to express anger and connect with it while respecting your needs and allowing space for conflict and its resolution , if it needs one," says Sastre.

Behind the silence in the midst of anger there are multiple layers: personal history, wounds, fear, need for control, lack of emotional tools... " Understanding its function—rather than seeking its justification— can help us decide how to act, how to protect ourselves and how to accompany the other person from a more conscious place. And you, when you get angry... Do you speak or do you remain silent? Would you know how to identify what function this has for you?"