Sleeping separately: solution or danger for the couple?

It's midnight. You've just found the perfect position to finally drift off to sleep... and then, a chainsaw-like snore rips you from the arms of Morpheus. You turn, you sigh, you try to discreetly nudge your other half, but nothing works. The next morning, it's a cold war at breakfast.

This situation, far from being isolated, concerns many couples (see box) . And it encourages "sleep divorce," an increasingly widespread practice that consists of sleeping in separate bedrooms in order to preserve the quality of sleep and harmony within the couple. Dr. Carol Burté, a specialist in sexual medicine, deciphers this phenomenon.

Is sleeping together the foundation of marital intimacy?

Physical proximity plays an essential role in a couple's life, both in terms of physical contact and emotional connection. Sharing the same bed encourages communication, closeness, and the blossoming of sexuality. In a harmonious couple, the desire to share the same sleeping space often comes naturally, reflecting a desire to connect, reassure each other, and strengthen the emotional bond. Conversely, when the relationship is marked by distance or tension, the need or desire for physical closeness may diminish.

Disturbed sleep, a hindrance to desire?

When one partner's sleep disturbances disrupt the other, their intimate life can suffer. Insufficient rest inevitably harms sexuality, primarily due to the fatigue it causes. It's difficult to experience desire when exhaustion sets in. Additionally, lack of sleep increases irritability, making it harder to manage tension and impacting a couple's sex life.

Is sleeping in separate rooms the solution?

In some cases, it can be. We think of all these situations: snoring of one or the other, insomnia, night waking, different habits (sleeping in a warm or cold room, with a blanket or not, window open or not...), or simply the need for solitude, which is not necessarily negative.

In all these cases, it's best for each person to sleep on their own so they're well-rested in the morning. It's perfectly fine to be close at other times, or in the same bed but outside of sleep hours.

How do you know if nighttime separation is hiding discomfort?

It's a question of context in the relationship: if the couple gets along well otherwise, enjoys being together, interacting, if they have emotional intimacy and of course if there is love, this poses no problem. On the other hand, if there is little interaction and conflicts, no longer sleeping together is the final stage of this disengagement.

What warning signs should be raised?

Less communication, less dialogue, less or no sex at all, arguments, or worse, a lack of interest in each other. But the cause of all this isn't sleeping apart. Not sleeping together simply revealed this distance, or the distance led to this choice.

What questions should you ask yourself before taking the plunge?

Perhaps first ask yourself if both of you agree with this idea, which isn't necessarily obvious. If they don't, it can cause suffering. Then, you have to ask yourself whether it's just about getting back to restful sleep or whether there's distance in the relationship, which has led to this need for physical distance.

How to maintain connection despite nighttime separation?

Perhaps already by telling yourself that nothing is set in stone. You can have separate bedrooms but not always sleep alone. Maybe a few separate nights are enough to rest. Maybe on vacation it can be different than during work periods. Moreover, not sleeping in the same bed does not mean not spending the evening together, even in a bed, or not making love, even outside of bed.

Couples today are formed and modeled on certain bases: love always, fidelity, the marital bed, and of course a fulfilling sexuality... But real life teaches us that if we want to get closer to this goal, we have to work for it and adapt. Sometimes we are much closer to someone who is far away (including sexually) than to someone who shares the same bed. So there is no need to worry if we consider this solution, it does not mean the end of the couple!

Snoring, the main reason for separate beds

According to a 2021 IFOP survey, while 84% of French couples prefer to share the same bed, 10% now say they sleep in separate bedrooms, and 6% would like to do the same. Among those who have taken the plunge, 77% cite discomfort caused by their partner's snoring, nighttime restlessness, or noisy breathing.