Psychology. My teenager is ashamed of me: what are the solutions?

Does he criticize you for speaking too loudly? Does he find your clothes decidedly old-fashioned? Another example: you can't hug him in public, a fortiori in front of his classmates?

It's a fact: your teenager is ashamed of you. And… “ it’s completely normal ,” reassures Frédérique Pouzol, psychotherapist in Opio (Alpes-Maritimes).

Under construction…

" The shame he may feel is a milestone in his development and even in the construction of his identity ," she explains. And it can start very early, around 12 or 13 years old...

In other words, to "an age where he needs to individualize himself. In front of his peers, this clan, this group of friends to which he feels he belongs, it's a way of saying: 'look, I'm not like my parents. I don't want to be associated with this or that thing that they report' ."

Peer Review

As she points out: " shame is built in the gaze of the other ." This means that if he senses discomfort or unease in them, he will have only one desire: to dissociate himself from it. " Because this word or behavior of his parent also represents a threat to the social image that he is trying to create for himself ."

Smooth management

For both the father and the mother, these can be difficult situations to understand and manage... " And for good reason, from being the absolute referent, you become persona non grata ," she continues.

But there's no need to get carried away. Quite the opposite: " Parents need to understand that these reactions are not directed against them. They are part of a process of differentiating themselves and becoming individuals in their own right ."

As a result:

• Let it go! “ Take it easy by telling him you understand: ‘OK, I understand how you feel. You think the music I listen to is old-fashioned, but it’s my era and I like it’… ”
• Don't exaggerate in front of his friends, or he'll feel offended or even humiliated. Frédérique Pouzol concludes: " This feeling of shame is a stage in the separation process and is also a sign that the parents have done their work ."

Source : Interview with Frédérique Pouzol, September 1, 2025