Secrets before death: Why sharing them can be a relief

Not all secrets are created equal. It makes a crucial difference whether you simply want to keep a birthday present secret or keep a serious trauma to yourself. Some secrets are taken to the grave, others are confessed in the final hours of life.

"This phase of life often casts a different light on experiences that dying people previously were reluctant to share with their loved ones," says Benno Bolze, Executive Director of the German Hospice and Palliative Care Association. "Sometimes it also becomes clear that there won't be much time or opportunity left to organize final arrangements, address misunderstandings, thank someone, or even share burdensome secrets."

Bolze, who also has many years of experience as a volunteer end-of-life companion, sees himself as a mediator. "It's not the job of a hospice service to provide therapeutic support. But if there's a desire, it's naturally part of the job to offer support with the dying person's open questions so that these topics can be discussed with the relatives."

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Relieving conversations can be had with a relative, a pastor, or a priest. "A letter can also help provide clarity—for example, if a conversation is no longer possible due to time constraints," says Bolze. "This way, you can share important topics in person."

The social worker points out that things that are kept secret can certainly influence the dying process. "Addressing them or even clarifying them, if possible, often has a relieving effect and helps the dying person to let go."

Everyone hides illicit or incomprehensible events in their memories. But what kind of secrets are these?

To find out, US psychologist Michael Slepian surveyed 50,000 people around the world. According to the results, 97 percent said they currently have at least one secret. Lying (69 percent), relationship problems (61 percent), and finances (58 percent) topped the list. Cheating at work or school (36 percent) ranked in the middle.

On average, participants had at least 13 secrets, five of which were so well-guarded that no one else knew about them. According to Slepian, the most secret secrets ranked first among thoughts about cheating. Second place went to sexual behaviors that no one should know about. Next came theft and self-harm, which no one should know about.

In his studies, psychologist Slepian identified four reasons why certain things are kept secret. The most common is the desire to protect one's reputation. Behind this lies the fear of being looked down upon and criticized after disclosure. Furthermore, people want to avoid conflict and not jeopardize their relationship. The desire for belonging and acceptance also plays a major role.

Everyone has their secrets. End-of-life caregiver Bolzes' head is full of them, too—and not just his own. The expert has held the hand of many a person in their final hours and learned a story no one else knows. Of course, this remains confidential, "after all, I'm sworn to secrecy."

People in the 50+ generation are more likely to slip into conspiracy theories and filter bubbles than younger people. Why is this—and what are the ways out?

Why didn't you bring the hidden issues to light sooner? "Often, you put it off until later, because there was still time. Perhaps it was too difficult to talk about it, or you felt it would be too much of a burden for the other person. But that doesn't have to be the case," says Bolze. He advises: Don't leave a conversation until the last minute. "Otherwise, there won't be time to talk about it again and correct any misunderstandings."

Whether one should take a secret to the grave or reveal it during one's lifetime depends, on the one hand, on the problem itself. On the other, on the relationship one has with the previously unaware other person. "Often it's a family member," says Harald Schickedanz, Chairman of the German Society for Trauma and Dissociation and Medical Director of the Hüttenbühl Clinic in the Black Forest. "If there's a good rapport, then it makes sense to talk about stressful things." However, there's always the risk that the other person will experience secondary trauma—a psychological burden as a result of what one experiences.

Whether it's war experiences or sexual abuse, corporal punishment or a history of addiction: "A trauma is like a toxic material, like a radioactive element or a virus – without protective clothing, you put yourself in extreme danger," says Schickedanz. First, it should be clarified whether the other person even wants to know the secret. Then, there must be therapeutic processing.

"On the other hand, there are good reasons to remove trauma from the taboo zone," explains the trauma expert. "Because traumatized people can pass their problems on to their offspring – despite, or perhaps because, they remain silent about their experiences." Symptoms often include increased susceptibility to stress, anxiety disorders, and even depression. "To successfully treat these problems, you need to understand the underlying causes."

Schickedanz cites an example: A medical colleague suffered for years from the nightmare in which she and others were being killed. Shortly before his death, her father told her that he was about to be shot as a resistance fighter during the war. Shortly before his execution, he swapped places at the Wall with a comrade. The shot that hit the other man was fatal. The father survived but blamed himself. Only after the colleague heard this experience and processed it professionally did the nightmares disappear.

"The topic of sexual violence in childhood should not be hushed up," Schickedanz urges. "Often, these experiences are so formative that they become a pattern in the next generation. For example, one unconsciously seeks out a partner who is violent." Knowing this can help future generations understand the principle.

And what if you can't find anyone to unload your burdens on? "We always offer the opportunity to reveal oppressive secrets anonymously," says Elke Schilling, founder of Silbernetz, a non-profit organization that helps seniors aged 60 and over who feel lonely throughout Germany. "It doesn't happen every day, but it does happen from time to time."

Schilling recalls a conversation shortly after the war in Ukraine broke out. "A man told me, crying, on the phone that he had done terrible things as an 18-year-old soldier on the Eastern Front in Russia. He hadn't told anyone about it before, but now he was aware of what had happened again and wanted to talk to someone about it."

The Silver Telephone offers a free, confidential, and anonymous listening ear every day. The toll-free number 0800 4 70 80 90 is available daily from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m.