Expectation management: How we find a way to be happy without being disappointed

Almost everyone knows this: We're excited about something that we have high hopes for. A book a friend has been raving about. A series everyone is currently praising. A restaurant that's been hyped up and down on Instagram. Then we read the book, watch the series, or eat the hand-pulled noodles – and feel disappointed, even downright cheated.

If we think beforehand, "It's probably not going to be that good" or "I'm actually not in the mood," we are often pleasantly surprised and have the most wonderful experiences. A classic. Thanks to neurobiology, we now know what's behind it.

Prediction Gap: What it means for us when our expectations turn out to be wrong

Several areas of our brain are involved when we prepare for something that is about to happen, writes psychologist Kyle Davis in "Psychology Today." Our prefrontal cortex, the center of our consciousness, creates an idea or premonition, a vision of our future experience. The amygdala, our emotional center, allows us to experience pleasure or discomfort accordingly, and our hippocampus contributes experiential data from our memory.

If we have a pleasant premonition, our brain releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter that excites us and makes us happy. Full of joy, we enter the situation we've been anticipating. However, if something happens that doesn't match our inner emotional state—the hand-pulled noodles taste bland, are overcooked, and we had to wait forever for them—our dopamine levels plummet. Because our brain registers: Something's wrong.

Our brain wants to make accurate predictions

Apparently, there was a miscalculation that led to an inappropriate hormone release. This isn't good, it's a waste of energy, and it needs to be addressed and balanced immediately. As a result, we feel like we're falling into a hole. We're disappointed. Not just because of the bland pasta, but also because our brain is sending our dopamine spikes plummeting.

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If, on the other hand, we experience a situation from which we had little hope, this process takes place in a similar way, only in reverse: For example, if we have a good conversation or like the music at the party we didn't want to go to, our dopamine levels rise quickly and we feel surprisingly great.

In both cases, the experiences in question will remain vividly in our memory: Our brain's goal is to make the most accurate predictions possible. After all, it goes to all this trouble primarily to ensure that we are as well prepared as possible for a situation and can experience it without stress. Therefore, we generally learn a great deal from surprises, both positive and negative.

When we convince ourselves that our expectations have been fulfilled

In our efforts to make correct predictions, our brains can even cause us to perceive reality in a distorted way. This is illustrated by the so-called confirmation bias: We tend to interpret events or information in a way that fits our assumptions and theories. We are also particularly sensitive to experiences that confirm our assumptions.

For example, if we think someone doesn't like us, we'll notice far more evidence that suggests this than if we don't. And we can easily talk ourselves into believing that the overcooked pasta was worth every minute of waiting and every euro if we find it too difficult to admit our mistake.

For this reason, it wouldn't be ideal to always go through life with pessimistic expectations, hoping to enjoy only positive surprises: Under certain circumstances, these surprises might not even occur. In any case, there's a risk that we deceive ourselves and experience the world as much more negative than it actually is. Self-fulfilling prophecies are not rare exceptions, but rather the result of our natural psychological processes.

3 steps that can help with our expectation management

Since no one can stop our brains from making predictions about the future and guiding us into a situation, a day, or a season with certain expectations, Kyle Davies recommends three steps to help us develop a more conscious and healthy way of dealing with our expectations:

1. Notice predictions

We can counteract unintended expectations by asking ourselves what we hope to achieve before embarking on an experience. Will it be fun? Or stressful? What are we expecting?

2. Use expectations in a targeted manner

Once we're clear about our expectations, we can be intentional about what we're creating. Instead of thinking, "These hand-pulled noodles must be so awesome if everyone's celebrating them," we could tell ourselves, "Now I'm going to find out if the hype is justified."

3. Cultivate curiosity

We can practice becoming more open and curious. For example, by focusing our attention more often on things we usually ignore because we take them for granted—things like the sky or our breath. We can also get into the habit of asking more questions.

Both to our fellow human beings – and to ourselves.

Brigitte

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